The Art of Partner Support
Hi Doulas, Families, and Friends,
Today let's chat about the magical combo of doula & partner support!
Earlier this year, I was at a doula interview with a family, and around the end of the conversation the dad said “I don’t want you to think we’re hiring a doula because I can’t handle supporting her on my own”. I smiled, and said that hiring a doula doesn’t imply that he can’t handle it- but rather the opposite! That he cares deeply and wants the best birth experience possible for her.
Having a supportive partner is the primary reason that I hear that people decide not to hire doulas or are hesitant. During doula interviews and even prenatal visits, husbands/partners often share that they feel that they’re not sure they need me but are open to my additional care because it’s something that’s important to their wife/partner.
I always hear their concern, and assure them that I will not get in between their support for their loved one. On the other side of birth, oh how their tune has changed! I have heard countless times, “I can’t believe I ever thought I could do this without you”. Though yes they technically could have, I am always so honored and glad that they didn’t.
Most of the partners that I work alongside are men (definitely not all, but most!), and men in our culture are taught to be incredibly independent. It makes sense to me that they wouldn’t instantly feel warm and fuzzy about the idea of another person being there to not only support their partner- but offer them support as well?! Accepting that support can be super uncomfy for some, and I’d love to spend a little time shining light onto it.
One analogy that’s been coming to mind lately is this: choosing not to hire a doula because you have a supportive partner is like choosing not to hire a therapist because you have a supportive partner or friend. A partner and a doula simply have very different roles during birth! They are not interchangeable. Just like a partner or friend and therapist have very different roles. Your partner could be a really great listener (maybe they even are a therapist) but their role in your life is completely different than the therapist that you hire to support you.
Frankly, I feel like birth is such a profound experience, that the pressure on partners to be the ONLY support person is far too immense. Yes, nurses and the care team will be there- but not the whole time (unless you’re having a home birth, and then they might be!), but most of the time nurses are in and out of the room every half hour or so. They are not continuous support in the way that a doula and partner are. Having a doula there lightens the load on the partner and allows them to have one sole focus: their loved one giving birth.
I mean…have you ever felt like you had TOO MUCH support during a challenging experience? I sure haven’t. I think there can sometimes be a block around having a doula alongside a supportive partner because we don’t feel deserving of an abundance of support. I’m here to tell you that you are.
So let’s break it down. I know I can get hella heady and wordy and theoretical when talking about the things that light me up, so I want to lay it out in a really tangible and easy to digest way.
Here are 8 concrete ways that doulas can support partners in the birth room:
We never know how long birth is going to last. On average, first time births range around 24 hours- sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. This is a long time for a partner to be awake and offering 100% of themself. If just the partner is there- any time they need to eat, pee, or take a break, the birthing person may be alone. Birth is a team sport, and is easier on everyone when there’s more than 1 support person present.
A lot of the physical support during birth happens BEHIND the birthing person. If the partner is the only one there, they may rarely be face to face if this type of support is what feels best! Often, I am offering the hip squeezes and massage, and the partner is able to be face to face with their love. We can also switch off and create a super solid bubble of care, comfort, and support.
Decision making is a crucial piece of the birth experience. Everything from “when do we leave the house” to “should we consent to breaking the water” and much much more. As a doula, these are the types of questions and conversations that are my expertise and have supported hundreds of families through. Doulas are pros at navigating these sorts of decisions alongside families. Having a doula who is able to help the family with decisions along the way is invaluable, and takes a TON of pressure off the partner to memorize the risks and benefits of every option that might arise. Doulas know what questions to ask, and create space and time for the family to ask questions and make decisions that are best for them.
If a partner has never seen birth before, or hasn’t seen it often, there may be moments that feel or appear scary, but are normal! Doulas are able to normalize what’s happening, and on the flip side if something appears not normal, we are able to share that as well and help navigate next steps.
Simply, we can help clean and maintain the space. Birth can be messy, and doulas can help clean up wet towels and blankets, make the bed when you’re in the bathroom, tidy up, fill the tub, refill your water, and simply keep the space feeling good and fresh with lights, smells, and music. These sorts of details should not be something that the partner has to think about, and allows them to be even more present.
Doula’s are experts at helping birthing folks choose and change laboring positions. We can help figure out what positions are ideal based on where contractions are felt, what position the baby is in, and what stage of labor they are in. Doulas offer so much more than hand holding and hip squeezes, we are pros at looking at the WHOLE picture of birth! Oftentimes these suggestions are subtle and don’t take a lot of conversation. By having a doula there to offer these suggestions- it saves partners a lot of brain space and decision making knowing that someone else is thinking about the next step.
We are a witness and we take photos! I absolutely love taking pictures during births. If the partner is the only support person there, there are no photos with them in it! This might seem like a small thing, but is a huge gift for both the family and their child.
Inductions are increasingly common, and extremely long and often challenging. While birth when it starts on its own may be around 24 hours, inductions are often 48+ hours. It’s simply not realistic for partners to navigate inductions without an additional person. Doulas can also help families decide if an induction is necessary, and every step and option that arises along the way.
Honestly, this list could go on and on! We could talk about doulas in the operating room, navigating family dynamics with grandparents with the support of a doula, breastfeeding/chestfeeding support from a doula, and SO much more. I’m curious and would love to hear what you would add to this list, either as a doula or as a family that received support from a doula?
All in all, the doula + partner combo is a serious dream team! A winning combination that all birthing people so deeply deserve :)
Til next time.
Evan